Alright, so first, I want to make it clear that I absolutely love all of my friends, but I am just expressing myself and a feeling I’m having without any targets.
I’ve been analyzing my friendships a lot lately, and while I am thankful for all of them, I am not completely satisfied because I don’t feel like I have a true best friend. Why is that?
Well the main reason is because I feel like with all the friends I have, none of them accept me for who I am fully. I feel like all of my friends accept me conditionally. As if there is always a “but” or an “if” when describing how they feel about me. “She’s cool, but can be really annoying,” “she’s nice, but super clingy,” “she’s fun, but she’s crazy,” “I would like her more if she weren’t so sexual all the time.” And while I understand how putting the pressure on my friends to love all of me is not fair, I am still allowed to wish for someone who will accept it all–my craziness, my tendency to analyze everyone, my passion for things people find trivial, my pride in my sexuality, my sometimes pre-mature openness–all of it.
I guess that’s the concept of a boyfriend, huh. The whole idea of someone loving you for all of you. But hell, it’s hard enough to find a friend that appreciates all of me, let alone a boy who is supposed to sex me too.
And see, I am not going to change parts of myself to cater to the requests of what other people want me to be, because what one person sees as annoying, another sees as outgoing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But I wish there was a beholder who saw the beauty in all of my traits, the way I see them, because being your own best friend is really exhausting sometimes.